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Full days, unfulfilled life

Sometimes I'm admittedly unproductive. Sometimes I need rest, or perhaps a little distraction. Sometimes I need fun, humor, and silliness. I believe it is important to acknowledge -and occasionally indulge in- these things.  

But that's sometimes. Most of the time, I am what others might call 'productive'. I make a to-do list and check items off as I complete them. Unless my plans are somehow derailed, most tasks are done at the end of the day. But even with derailment, I still complete other, more urgent tasks. 

So why does it feel like it's never enough? 

Because, considering everything I do each day, it is, or at least should be. Waking up early to pack lunch for our daughter, driving her to and from school, looking after and playing with her, grocery shopping, cleaning, laundry, cooking dinner, cleaning up, errands ... Not to mention filling out arduous, time-consuming job applications, drafting professional emails that need to be, in my perfectionist mind, 'just right', and preparing for interviews. Keeping in touch with family and friends. Purchasing gifts for loved ones. School projects. Being somewhat social from time to time. And ... perhaps the most obvious in the context of this blog, working through and completing several major decluttering projects

SO. WHY. WAS. IT. NOT. ENOUGH?! 

This question is frustrating and uncomfortable. Also annoyingly, why did I still feel so unfulfilled at the end of each 'productive' day? I pondered this in terms of purpose, that I am in-between teaching jobs, and perhaps feeling a little lost. While these ideas hold some merit, I also think that purpose can be a tricky thing. For example, I love teaching, and believe, from my own biased perspective, it is what I was born to do. But I know that teaching is not my only purpose. I also gain a considerable sense of purpose from being a mom, wife, daughter, sister, and friend. For me, the more hats that I wear, the more fluid the concept of purpose becomes. More than roles that I play, these are personal contributions that give meaning to my life. So I don't think an absent sense of purpose was contributing to the void I felt.  

Then, finally, the light came on. 

Values. By continuously just going through the motions, I realized that I was not acknowledging or living in alignment with my values

But ... what were my values? After a wave of bewildered panic, I thought about it. Some words, like strength, openness, and contentment came to mind. But I knew there was more to it. That night, after another caffeine-fueled afternoon and (probably subsequent) anxiety-ridden dreams, I couldn't sleep. I got up, made some herbal tea and sprawled out on the couch. As I tried to relax, the 'values' question arose once again. I sipped my tea in the dark and eventually scribbled about 20 words in a notebook, without even being able to see what I had written. 

The next morning, I (more neatly) rewrote those words and added to the list. In a later post I will discuss those values specifically, but for now I want to emphasize an important point: Purpose, and everything that it brings, originates from our values. No values, no purpose. If we just go through life without checking in to confirm whether our actions align with our values, everything will ring pretty hollow, no matter how much we 'get done'. 

So, as I step back and contemplate the magnitude of this realization, I view my daily tasks and accomplishments in a completely different light. Far from an abstraction, values are now the source motivation of my efforts. This serves as a reminder that choosing and completing tasks in a way that aligns with my values is not a frivolity, but absolute necessity for a fulfilled, and yes, purposeful life. (Plus, I believe it makes daily chores just a bit more satisfying. :) 

Have you ever felt unfulfilled despite completing all the things? Do your personal values lead you to a sense of purpose and wellbeing in your daily life? Please share in the comments! 

 

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